Lets Keep a Diary, But lets call it a Journal.

"One advantage in keeping a diary is that you become aware with reassuring clarity of the changes which you constantly suffer." -Franz Karka

"I know I can write. A few of my stories are good, my descriptions of the secret Annex are numerous, much of my diary is vivid and alive, but... it remains to be seen whether I really have talent" - Anne Frank

Sometimes you have no one to talk to, sometimes you talk to yourself. We all go through rough times in our lives in which we feel no one is really there to hear us. To sit there and actually give us their shoulders to cry on. Or an ear to listen to us. But there's always one object we can turn to; our Diary and to some our Journal. There is never a limit to how many secrets and stories we can tell. When having a diary/journal you are free to express yourself. No limitations, no judging! Lets all get a Book and Call it what you want but when you find yourself having a moment, pull that special book out and jot down all thoughts!
-SugarFree

September 16, 2010

Journal,

Why are you my only friend? Why are you the only one who listens to me? Why don't you talk to me? I need answers, I need you to make me feel better!.

Today I had a conversation with GOD, he really didn't say anything back. It made me wonder if he was even listening. I asked for signs to show me he was hearing me. There was nothing though. I figured I can keep on talking as long as he heard me. I asked for forgiveness, I knew that sometime during this week I did something that didn't make him too happy.

There was a point where I felt like giving up on everything. Being sick really didn't help my problem. Whats there to live for when you have a disease that will kill you eventually? Right?
I kept questioning why me? Why is GOD putting me through this obstacle? Why am I being tested? What have I done to deserve this? Why am I here Father? Why did you put me on this earth to live with something I cannot take care of?

"PLEASE LORD, GIVE ME A SIGN. SHOW ME SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE ME CHANGE MY DECISION ABOUT NOT WANTING TO DO THIS ANYMORE!"

.....and then it happened my little brother looked at me and said "Naisha, I love you. I will love you forever!" Whats forever to him? What does he know about forever? "How long is forever Dar'rel" I'd say. He looks at me and says "I don't know Naisha, how long do you want it to be?"
It puzzled me because he's only three and to him as long as I put a date on it, that was forever. Tomorrow could have been forever, and hour after he said that, could have been forever. But what was forever to me?

I couldn't believe that I was left the option. God had given me the sign I was asking for all along. I have things to live for, My family.

I wasn't taking care of myself and was being selfish to the people that loves me the most. I never once thought about how my mother, sister, brother, my family period would feel if i just gave up. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Then it hit me, I was apologizing to him because I was killing myself. By not taking my medicine, I was killing his Child!

YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED! LIVE EVERYDAY LIKES IT YOUR LAST. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN HE IS GOING TO CALL FOR YOU!

-Naisha


September 18, 2010

Journal,

Sometimes I don't have the right words for you. I have this block in my mind that wont allow me to write. I'm not able to paint a vivid picture. Everything is so blurry!

I am not afraid of him ... I am not afraid of him ... He cannot hurt me!

I'm hiding behind my bed right now. Tonight he came in drunk and I think its my turn. I hate when he's like this, it scares the hell out of me. I wish my mother wasn't always so drunk. I wish she can realize that her brother isn't the man she thinks he is. He's a monster; when will she see this?

What man in their right mind comes and fondles little girls? What man in their right mind comes and sticks his nasty thing in a little girls vagina? I can't take this anymore, my own UNCLE! He's hurting us and nothing is being done about it. Yesterday he went into my sisters room and I heard screams, I wanted to go in her room and just do something about it. It killed me that I couldn't help my baby sis.

OMG! He's looking for me! I can hear his footsteps getting closer. He's calling my name. WHAT DO I DO JOURNAL?! Please give me answers. Why can't I just jump into you journal? Why can't I just disappear from this world, from this hate, from the pain. Why is my mother just sitting there? HELP US MOM, DO SOMETHING!

I have to go now Journal, he found me and It is now My Turn.

-Naisha


September 19, 2010

Journal,

I seen that man today! He was dumb in the face as always. Never excited to see little ol' Naisha. It's sad because we will never have the proper relationship.

He never really knew how to play that role when it came to me. He felt obligated to love and care. Only because he helped in the making of me. And some even say I have his face. I feel bad for us, really it hurts me sometimes because I don't even know that man. That man told me he didn't know how to love me and that he didn't care to. I don't care because I don't need that man!

This woman told me that. She told me I'd be good without that man. That woman was all I ever needed anyway....

....But somehow I still felt a void. Life should have never felt this way! I mean growing up not knowing who that man was, was crazy, insane. 21 Years and I still have yet to find out his favorite color, drink, food. Favorite place to go. Its sad!

But I've managed to maintain life without that man! Being happy isn't a problem. But my mind still wonders. What would life really be like if I had that man?

-Naisha


September 21, 2010

Journal,

Who do we really have in this world? Is it family, friends, parents? Sometimes its hard to even tell! It never fails to amaze me how people are viewed by people they love the most due to their mistakes. Wants the point in confining in someone, when all they'll do is throw everything that you told them in your face. I think that's why I have a million Journals and Diaries.

My Best friend hurt my feelings today. I don't know if she realizes she did. Although this always happens. I bet if I wrote a list of all the things she said, she'll feel bad. Sometimes I want to turn to her and tell her everything, but knowing that I can't kills me. I've been through a lot of things I cant even tell her.

Does she even know that I hurt deep down inside? It wouldn't kill to ask questions. Why cant we talk like we used to? Ugh I hate feeling this way! I hate feeling alone. Having no one because they pass judgment and make me feel small, with their thoughts and hurtful words.

October 1, 2010

Journal,

Today is my fathers birthday, of course I wasn't able to wish him a happy Birthday. That man never answers my phone calls. I cant visit to say it in person. That man never opens his door for me. Where did I go wrong? Am I the messed up parent? Did I chose not to take care of my dad. Was I playing the daughter role all wrong? I hope he does enjoy it though. I hope he gets all he wishes for. I hope I'm in one of those wishes!

-SugarFree


October 5, 2010

Journal,

Lets all hold on to faith and make it through the rain. Lets not let any obstacles stand in our way! Lets live like there's no tomorrow. Lets not dwell on the past. The past only leads us to trials and tribulations. Leta put GOD first! Lets not cry anymore. Let the light shine deep! Let the pain and sorrow GO AWAY!

-SugarFree


October 7, 2010

I spent the night in the hospital because of my diabetes. This shit sucks man. It was my choice to go though. My A1C was 16 which is a very high glucose. Not good at all. I told my doctor I wanted to be put in a room for about 2 weeks straight. I cant resist temptation. I always have to eat, eat and eat! Its sad. Hi, my name is Naisha and I just might be Sugar Full lol Oh and I met a boy who by the way is very annoying. Like who meets someone on their hospital bed? He didn't even know what was wrong with me (NASTY). SMH talk about Precaution.

-SugarFree o_O


November 8, 2010

My baby! =(

I stay up all night and cry in hopes that one day my mother or sister would wake up and sit with me on the couch and I could just vent. I always needed someones shoulder to cry on. I always sit and think where would my life be if I would have taken proper precaution. My baby would of been going on one. She would of probably been sitting up with me right now while I was writing this. She would of been my shoulder to lean on. Then again if she was here, she would of never been my shoulder. I would of never needed a shoulder! My heart hurts sometimes when I think of her. She would of been so beautiful probably would of looked just like me. I had a name for her and everything; something I had thought of myself! And it hurts to have sent her back but God knows what I was going through! I spoke to him that night and the day after and he told me She was waiting for me when ever I was Ready! =)

Please baby forgive me
Mommy was young
Mommy was too busy tryna have fun
And I don't pat myself on the back for sending you back
cause God knows I was better than that
to conceive and leave you
the concept alone seems evil, I'm trapped in my conscience
I appear to the nonsense and listen to people who told me I wasn't ready for you
But how the fuck would they know what I was ready to do
and of course its wasn't your fault
its like I feel you in the air
I hear you screaming mommy don't cry cant you see I'm right here
I gotta let you know what you mean to me
when I'm sleep and I see you in my dreams with me
Wish I could touch you lil face or just hold your lil hands
BUT IF ITS PART OF GODS PLAN MAYBE WE CAN MEET AGAIN!

-SUGARFREE o_O

Nov 2010

"Daddy"

Daddy was a crack feign 2 in the morning had us running down the block like a track team
when he burned the house down and my mother was in it.
How could I forget it? The pain is infinite.
She's my Queen and I ain't even British
She the only reason that I went to school and I finished
She told me that I had talent, got on her knees and prayed for me when I started be Violent.
She saw something in me that 'till this day I don't know if I could be that.
But I'm die trying, and when I'm done crying Grab the iron and black out like I'm Lee Tiring
Nightmares of you killing my mother, the reason that I sleep with my head under the covers
and I should of thrown a book at you, cuz I hate you so much that it burns when I look at you

May the lord protect me as this world gets hectic.

Nov 2010

"RAH"

Damn, I wanna run to you, hold you and kiss you and tell you that I miss you.
Though I would have a son for you, But now its official it's over I cant let you go.
But I gotta let you know all the shit I did makes me feel like I'm dying real slow.
Cuz no one understands me they don't know what to do when I'm hurt or when I'm angry.
You was my friend and my man and my daddy
You was there when that bitch tried to stab me
Anything I needed you had me.
Cuz of you all them chicks couldn't stand me
So why hurt you? That's the question.
It took this long for me to learn my lesson.
CUZ NOW ALL I WANT IS PEACE .....
......and get DRAMA I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THE TRUE MEANING OF KARMA>

Sugarfree o_O


Nov 2010

It's always me to get it the worst. You would think at age 22 everything would be different. Guess not. Bad attitudes never mix, so my best bet was to stay away. Name calling none in which came from my mouth. Dirty Bitch, whore